Hey, Lera Here

Life is sitting on a bench, feeling the cracks of the worn out, weathering wood and chipped paint.

Life is hearing the birds and wondering, „what really is that sound they make?“. How can it be described? A screech, a squak, a tweet, just some high pitched tone? How could I begin to talk about their beautiful, sometimes awful, noise?

Life is walking on a trail and noticing a muddy puddle, and then another just up ahead, clear, yet full of still clusters of bubbles, resembling a group of asteroids in space.

Life is standing on a sidewalk, watching the cars go by on a wet road and feeling the nostalgia of childhood. Remembering that one time a stop was made for gas on the highway, or the time you walked home in the rain because someone forgot to pick you up from school.

Life is walking and being distracted by thoughts of dinner plans happening two days from now. It’s noticing those thoughts and even being annoyed at the way they distract you from your walk.

Life is the wondering, imagining, the noticing, the feeling. Life is everything you can’t describe. Wordless. And yet, we’re gifted the unique ability to sheathe our existence in words, blanket our experiences and our minds in concepts, because if we didn’t it would all just be too much. But I‘m starting to see how much we miss if we only ever keep the covers on. We mistake the blanket for the body beneath it, trading the immediate aliveness of the moment, for a word. We do it automatically, for everything—for puddles, for bird songs, for ourselves and each other. We settle for the concept, and call it knowing. But to really experience an orange, to recognize its essence, is to taste it. The taste is the thing. Everything else is just the memory of a word.

I spotted spotted leaves and if it hadn’t been so cold, I’d have mistaken the normal pattern for a disease. Alas, the season is beginning to change. While the sun shines on my skin, the wind carries with it a slight bite - a freshness. It’s bittersweet, as the change in the seasons is always a reminder of time progressing, the ending of things and also new beginnings. Does anyone ever get used to the passage of time? It seems the more I enjoy my time, the more I delight in it, and the more in love I am, the more I notice it pass. Maybe because I’d like to hold onto it, like a beautiful flower giving off it’s bright scent, but as with a flower, time must also change it’s appearance and give way for further expansion. And maybe, when you’re so in love, you pay attention to all the moments, just so one doesn’t get lost, or slip by (as though it could!) and so awareness sees it, and feels it’s passage. And this is both neutral, and as intense as ever. Subsequently, the mind thinks, or the thought arrives “How can I make sure, or really try, to take this all in? Completely, fully?”. And that’s a funny thought. It’s always taken in. It’s always full, even in the feeling of the absence of fullness. It’s so unbelievably full, we keep ourselves from it, as it is, in some ways, almost too much. What an amazing life this is. That I can sit here and consider this, or ride a bike, or get lost in any activity (narrowly, or widely), and everything is full. Completely self-sufficient, all allowing, not needing to be one way or another. All for the enjoyment of itself.

And one could argue that it sounds idealic, completely detached from the everyday, but once it is recognized that the change of the seasons, the moment of joy, laughter, annoyance, or an argument with a loved one is the same dance - the necessary catalyst, the total fullness, the same love and beauty - then there is no other way to live or see. It remains completely full, boundless, ever-giving, love. Wholeness.

This past weekend, we took a trip up to Fürth to visit some friends. A small trip, only a little over two hours from our home in Munich.

The weekend contained a few new experiences for me. My first was a proper German techno night on Friday. Let me tell you, it’s definitely different from the States, with much better music and vibrant energy. As someone who has made it a habit to be in bed by 9:30, I never thought I’d make it from 1 am until the sun came up at 5. But I did, and so I should know to never underestimate my own stamina… or ability to figure out how to dance. But even without that, the quite short, yet deep sleep afterwards felt like a victory in itself. And rallying to seize the new day was its own kind of fun. But, to watch our friends (mother and daughter) enjoy a night out together, bonding over dancing, and of course so freely dancing together, was really beautiful to me. While I have done my own fair share of dancing and night-outs with music, it definitely isn’t in my culture to dance, and especially never with my family.

For another first thereafter, visiting a proper horse stable, where my friend homes her horse, Rudi. We watched the training process with him and the gentle way she cares for him. Toward the end of our time, my friend let me ride Rudi back to the stables, which was really sweet. I hadn’t realized how much work went into the whole thing. Having a horse isn’t a hobby, it has to become your whole life. There must be, on some level, a reason to train it, and invest / put in all that work. For our friend, there is. I couldn’t, nor do I have a strong desire to own a horse myself, but I will say that the environment, at least at this horse farm, was quite pleasant and I can see the draw people have to this lifestyle.

By Sunday, we were ready for something slower. We spent the day wandering through Fürth, exploring the greenery, a bit of the riverside, and the charming streets of the old town before heading back home by train. I took some photos this day, so here they are…

Hello, world. This is my first post. I am not quite sure yet what I’m doing, or what my purpose here is, but I’ve been wanting to have a small space to share my life and discover corners of the internet where other folks with like-minded interests or joys, are sharing theirs. I hope we find each other :)

Being social online is a strange thing. I’ve grown up with it, but I don’t think I’ve ever really figured it out, or at least, followed the trends and changes. From the beautiful beginnings of custom pages on Xanga and music discoveries on Myspace, to the outlet I was most fond of initially, Instagram, where sharing my images was once a source of happiness, belonging, and creativity. Somewhere along the lines it all lost its simplicity.

I’m not one to gather attention, work for likes, market myself. I feel completely repulsed by the idea of sharing on Instagram, or any sort of page that makes me ‘work’ to be seen, or that I have to exchange my life for with doom scrolling and ads. Or even just having that odd feeling of being followed by those that “knew” me years ago, and who only feel curiosity about the status of my life for a moment. It’s a weird place to be, especially with dreams of sharing my photography (and being one in a more professional setting), wanting to be outspoken, engaged, and really.. be quite social. but I believe what I’m doing here, right now, is exactly what I’ve been wanting for a long time. A space to share random thoughts and maybe even things I’m excited about or have done, post my images, and be apart of the social world, but with the perfect caveat - not really being so openly discoverable or immediately accessible. I want to engage with those that are genuinely interested in me or what I’m doing and to truly find connection / community because I’m seeking out what I’m also putting in.

It’s actually kind of funny, because a few days ago, I had written in my personal journal that I was conflicted about starting to post on Instagram again. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, despite having the urge to share a few cool images I took on a recent trip. This has been a recurring event, actually. But this time, I wrote that I was done considering it, and that a way to share which feels good will come when it needs. And surprise, surprise, I’ve now learned about the Fediverse. Maybe it’s not much different, but at the end of the day, for the moment, it sure feels much better.

Anyways, words are hard, and so is consistency and organization. I don’t know if I’ve fallen in love with sentences yet (unless they are in German? which, by the way, I’d like to write here in German too, since I am learning). But I want to learn, I want to write more, and expand myself in ways I’ve hesitated to in the past, or felt a limitation in. And most importantly, share in, live in, and always expand in, joy. So if you’re here, hello, let’s connect! And if it’s just me at the end of it all, I’m so excited to have a place I can make a little home.